A Moment to Remember

I guess this is the longest "hibernate" status I have ever been after the lost of a beloved sister, daughter, mother and wife, 4 months ago. The date of July15,2012 will always be a moment to be remembered for the running tears of loosing somebody that I love so much. She was not just my sister, she was also my closest friend, a motivator, a life-saver, a light in the dark and the list goes on.....
Until today I am still mourning for the loss not because I miss her a lot but because of the moments that I shared with her, the ups and downs, the secret..............how i miss the moment it was indescribable...and every time i remember those moments...my tears run hard...

My Dearest Sister Sarina..........your memory to us will always be remembered till Jannah..Insya Allah...Amin and Al-Fatihah.

Give My Heart A Break

I was always be positive and motivated when i hear others are having hard time and feeling down...and never thought that I can be in their shoes one day. Then again I was wrong...i know that sometimes being highly motivated and positive to others for their ups n downs will take a toll on me too.
Yes! i do have my ups and downs and this time it is more than i can take......i am very devastated over the condition of my beloved sister. I admit that i cried like everyday just to think that i could lose her......and i think i could not afford to lose her this time for real.....
The truth is I will hardly try to hide my tears and sorrow because I don't want people to see me as a weak person and I am the person who don't like to share my family (personal) to others that I don't close with ( that was the result of the biggest betrayal of others to me).....

But sometimes you can't hide it for too long....yes! and it has happened to me when i burst into tears every time people asked me about her (i can say several times)...i got very fragile when it comes to her....i did say to myself that i need to be strong........but I am not that strong now....

GLEE-Man in the mirror with lyrics

Make That Change...

This is a story about making changes...
I was in a course last week which was very interesting and at the end of the day there was a slide presentation about how we want to change our self.
It was a metaphor between a carrot, an egg and ground coffee bean...
The three items were boiled in hot water...
After 8 minutes: the carrot turns soft, the egg started to harden and the ground coffee bean turns the boiled water to dark with nice aroma...
The question is....which of these we wanted to be....a carrot from hard turns soft or an egg from so called liquid to hard or ground coffee bean turns the water to a nice coffee aroma that pleasures everybody?

When you say...I Will Make Sure...

How many times do we promise (or maybe it sounds like it) to people that have asked you the same question again and again? Do we just say 'Yes' or 'Ok' or "I'll make sure of that" only because it is the only way to escape from feeling guilty or burdened by it? In reality we are really not sure bout it...about what we have said to them. Are those just escapism or is it just plain excuses?

I was in that situation when my big boss asked me "When will you be gone for your PhD?" (actually I have anticipated this question will be asked by him soon)...and my answer was "Don't worry Prof. I will make sure that I'll be gone this year". His reaction was...'Okay that is your promise'..and my reaction was.."Ermmm i guess...(in my mind and heart I have to be deadly serious of leaving this campus for my PhD!!)". I realised now how serious they are about wanting me to be gone for my PhD and I was so nervous bout that as I was once said to myself that I won't go this far for my education but because of my future career development wants me to do this so I have decided that I am serious about this.....and therefore I have submitted my application to KPT and they are waiting for my offer letter from the respective U.

So what went wrong here?...why am I still here doing the same routine? I should have been gone for my study following my other closest frens' footsteps (actually that was the original plan) but what held me up?

I should not blame the process, I should not blame everyone...so clearly it was my FAULT...it was about me the whole time...BUT wait!!! I shouldn't be blamed totally...there are few things that I did work my a** hard out...I did! but the process has let me down, the 'other' person also didn't give me the assistance that is needed...yea in the end it goes back to us...rite? We shouldn't blame others.....

So what I can say for myself is....I have to be deadly serious this time, taking chances, push away all the distractions, focus only on my goal...PhD!!! Full stop