The Melt Down & Recovery

I considered myself of having a meltdown issue for the past say 2 weeks and that's why i deactivated my FB account as well. But all as come back to normal when i received this text message from Kak Atie (my beloved senior coworker a.k.a mentor) after i told her about the reason why i deactivated my account...it sounds like this...
"Down mmg down tp jgn jdkan sbb utk putus asa, don't give up ye, kita kena sama2 perah otak kerah tenaga utk study. Kena kuatkan semangat."

At that moment I feel that Kak Atie has spoken to me that goes straight to my heart and i feel alive again. I started to re-plan my strategy of continuing my studies and I don't wanna let myself holding me back to do so. Yes! it feels hurt and sad when you are no longer with your closest frens and you feel that you are alone...but thinking that it is just temporary, i just need to move on and set my goal of to continue my study at PhD level (though i've never think or dream bout it), and I WILL make it happen SOON!

You can't always get what you want

If in the past posts i kept mentioning bout being left alone and feeling so down...i guess starting from this post i will regain myself...i don't wanna be negative anymore after being departed by my two best frens for pursuing their PhD...i want to be "that" person again.
After being in my deepest thought and trying to figure out what did i miss for the past week...which was exactly after my "beb" gone for good to Aussie. Is not that i didn't miss my "mate" who is already in the land of kangaroo and kind of already forgotten her all these while...i miss her too..but maybe now when both of my BFFBs' are distance....the feeling is stronger...feeling of loneliness and emptiness....because all these while they are my biggest supporters!
I am feeling so disappointed because i'm still here....doing the same job which i have told myself that i wanna take a break from being a lecturer to a student...and that was what i am so happy about because my BFFBs' are also doing the same thing plus...i also have encouraged kak atie (my beloved mentor, fren, big sister etc.) and my other 2 junior coworkers to continue their studies...and they did it! i am so happy for them even though i'm still stuck in here.....i guess that is what i need to do...to motivate people up even though i'm also struggling to prove myself....
I believe that Allah has something big in stores for me...that's why i am still here.....while my frens are out there pursuing their dreams and destiny with a little help of me....in the end i will still be chasing my dream as well but is just in the matter of time....and i really want it to be it!
At least i bring happiness to people....and i will cherish the love and times given to me until it will finally ends......Allah is All Mighty....

Will all works and no play really works?

After about 3 months of no class and lecture i feel a bit lost...i mean i lost my passion of this career. i wonder why? but maybe i can start with what happened for the past 3 months....
I was so very ready and enthuse of continuing my study to PhD level. All this while i said to myself that i don't wanna go but after went through a session with my boss (dean) i am ready to fulfill his wish. but i am not agreeing on this because of him but after i have make a fine consideration. so i have decided and furthermore my best friends are also encouraged (actually it was like forcing...hehehe) me to do so. within that 3 months i managed to complete all the documents, proposal and all the things that must be done to apply for study leave.
So i have set my goal and focus of becoming a full-time student again at the beginning of a new semester. Thinking that i will no longer be thinking about what to teach to what will i learn.....i had my mind set for it! Unfortunately..........here i am.....still giving lectures, advising and motivating the students....(on a second thought I believe that Allah has a better thing for me! so i will wait). I guess those things has affected me so much plus my best friends are now on their track to complete their Masters & PhD after being granted a study leave by the university and the ministry.
And now I will still having my old routine of... working 24/7.of course i will earn more but if this will keep me forget about all the disappointment ( heart-breaking to be precise)..then there it will go...

If I change my status...

i remember why i wanted so much to have my own blog and i even encouraged my frens to also have their own blog...its because i think i can motivate and inspire people who read this blog...but what if i have lost that sparks of motivating and inspiring people all because of me myself is also having a hard time? i guess it's normal for all people out there even though they are experts...i mean all those renown motivators...they must have their ups and downs....

so i guess by admitting that i am a normal human being....there is nothing wrong that sometimes i miss the moment that i need somebody to talk to and understand my feelings and personal things. i only share my other part (my personal life) with persons that i trust most including my 2 best frens who are now away from me...long distance. for most of the time i will only share my happy story with frens coz i really don't want them to know what i have been through especially when it come to a very exclusive part like my family and my feelings. i think i just wanna be protective for my family and myself of being hurt.

..............lately i feel so so lonely and sad coz i am alone and my 2 best frens are not around and then i don't know who to turn to when i want to share my problem coz they will always be here for me and i am very glad and bless for it....i wanted to be strong but now i know that it is not that easy....
i always appear very happy and strong in front of many people just because i want them to see me as the person who are always taking things positively.....but it doesn't last long coz now i think i am not that person anymore.....there are too many things happen lately and all has causes me of not being "that" person...and will it be temporary or forever before i can get back in my shoes?.....i just don't know...

A day without JLM

Its been a while since the last post I made until today. Life is short and that's very cliche' coz no matter wat we do lately it feel so short and 24hrs is still not enough, that's why I think the mamak stall (I'm not sure but the term now coz it has turned into restaurant size) nearby my workplace choose to have 25hrs...how is that outrageous or is it just too realistic? or dreamy?...t

Well I'm not gonna spoil my ever waited latest post of my blog by giving that mamak stall a.k.a restaurant a free commercial to boost up their bussiness..nay nay nay...(sound a bit Aussie I guess..hehe). I'm going to talk about one of my unluckiest day of my life just today....

I have been with my so called "bf" as what my friend called my car is for about 3 years now after i have "broke-up" with my former 2 bf long before i got to know my newest bf now. I like him soo much because of his "high-maintenance" and performance.

But today for the first time ever he is malfunctioning...it scared me a lot coz I have been doing all the maintenance that he needed just to make sure that he is A ok. What happen today is what i believe as part of the "hikmah" that is been gifted to me from ALLAH...i accepted it with open heart.

To top up my unlikeliest story of today...was walking with my 3 inch heels along heavy traffic flow to the nearest motorcycle workshop to fix my sister's loaned motorcycle punctured tyre...sounds hard rite? how about I say that it was a very hot sunny day?

I believe all these incident might bring you down for other people but not me...I have been into worst situation before but i made it! The saddest part would be being apart with my malfunction bf...its quite...hard..but since my family and frens are around me...I make it through!

lifestyle of the rich and famous

I live like a normal lady of the 21st century. Some said that i live like a rich person that can buy anything that i like with the help of cash and some "magic cards". Do i look like one? Some of my friends said that "akak orang kaya, boleh shopping kat mana2, beli barang2 mahal2, berjenama, mekap pun mahal so muka nampak cantik"..." mana2 you pegi ada jek orang tegur and kenal, tak macam i kawan2 boleh dikira ngan jari jek".....these are some words that i got from my friends and to tell the truth, i never thought that i am living in the world of "rich and famous". I work hard so i deserved myself a self-reward every time i received the "token" of my hardship.

I was born in an average family meaning that there was no "silver spoon" in my mouth. My dad, he is a hardworking man who are responsible to "bring back the bacon" by doing chores in his own farm, that time we don't have electricity and proper water supply in our house. After the government expended the electricity and proper water supply we can live a lot better. When i go to school my friends started to talk about how handsome and cute Michael J. Fox was after watching "Back To The Future!"....and me?...I have no idea of what they were talking and started to be silent and move away from them coz...i don't have tv set in my house...

When the new school season is opened, all my friends will start to show their new uniform, new pencil, new ruler, new eraser, new bag, new pencil case all with branded items and of course it is very expensive for my father to afford it for me...so i came up with my own design of pencil case that i hand-sew it by myself. I remember the time that i can only dream to have a bugs bunny printed character on a pencil case when my friend showed her's because i know that my father will not buy that for me as there are many other urgent matters that the money will goes into. But i never regret or feel bad about it coz i understand, it is not easy for my father to support 10 family members by working as self-employee in his not-so-big kebun.

Now with my parents education and supports, I managed to redeem what i have been dream of and even more. I have good job, better income, and can afford a very nice car, a house, and some other nice stuffs that every women wants....all by my hard work. And making more friends is what i like because i want to share what have been given to me as well as my experience.

So the truth is....i am not living or enjoying the lifestyle of the rich and famous. I know where did i started from and i am honored and proud of who i am and what i am made of.

New Hijrah 1432

Again..It's been a long time that I have not written any posts to my blog. And again...I got a busy lifestyle even though it's a cliche'. Things happen so fast and unexpected..that is why people say that time won't wait...I agree coz sometimes I feel that I have wasted so many times doing things that are not so planned and yes even that I have realised that I have wasted so many times but I keep repeating the same routine. I know that I can accomplished many things if I set my mind straight and aiming for what it has to be done.

Well then think positive and straight...with new dawn of Hijrah I believe I need to set my goal and aiming to what I have to do months or even years ago. It's time to restart and regain the confidence of aiming for the best...well.... I do it not because of others but for myself. Again...some people might say that they work hard for appraisal and reward from their superior but for me I work hard because I want to achieve my goal and standard plus it's my responsibility to accomplish a good standard of work....and the award that i received was because I deserved it.