Like A Movie Scene Coming out of the Silverscreen

 

1st Shawal will always be remembered quite sombre for the next following years my family and I...that was the day where every Muslims should celebrate with joy and happiness, happy coz all the family members are gathered around to celebrate Hari Raya together, exchange forgiveness and the most exciting event awaits for would be the give away of "duit raya".....

But things are now change for us....I lost my older sister on the eve of Hari Raya...she died on the spot of a tragic accident...she left us with no sign that she was going to leave us forever...it was sudden and none of us ever expecting it coming...

As others are happy on the day of Hari Raya....my family and I witness her for the last time carried by the "van jenazah"to her final destination to rest in peace....at that time I feel that  "could this be our greatest test by Allah?"....would us be strong and ready to face the next test?

A Time To Get A Kick Start

I know it is so very long time that I didn't make any latest or probably just an update post for my blog. There are so many things happened around me within that period and I didn't have the "time" to put that memories/experiences in this blog. Well probably I might tell them later on coz now I think that I need to be kinda "activate" my blog rather than my Fb...

Well lets get started!

A Moment to Remember

I guess this is the longest "hibernate" status I have ever been after the lost of a beloved sister, daughter, mother and wife, 4 months ago. The date of July15,2012 will always be a moment to be remembered for the running tears of loosing somebody that I love so much. She was not just my sister, she was also my closest friend, a motivator, a life-saver, a light in the dark and the list goes on.....
Until today I am still mourning for the loss not because I miss her a lot but because of the moments that I shared with her, the ups and downs, the secret..............how i miss the moment it was indescribable...and every time i remember those moments...my tears run hard...

My Dearest Sister Sarina..........your memory to us will always be remembered till Jannah..Insya Allah...Amin and Al-Fatihah.

Give My Heart A Break

I was always be positive and motivated when i hear others are having hard time and feeling down...and never thought that I can be in their shoes one day. Then again I was wrong...i know that sometimes being highly motivated and positive to others for their ups n downs will take a toll on me too.
Yes! i do have my ups and downs and this time it is more than i can take......i am very devastated over the condition of my beloved sister. I admit that i cried like everyday just to think that i could lose her......and i think i could not afford to lose her this time for real.....
The truth is I will hardly try to hide my tears and sorrow because I don't want people to see me as a weak person and I am the person who don't like to share my family (personal) to others that I don't close with ( that was the result of the biggest betrayal of others to me).....

But sometimes you can't hide it for too long....yes! and it has happened to me when i burst into tears every time people asked me about her (i can say several times)...i got very fragile when it comes to her....i did say to myself that i need to be strong........but I am not that strong now....

GLEE-Man in the mirror with lyrics

Make That Change...

This is a story about making changes...
I was in a course last week which was very interesting and at the end of the day there was a slide presentation about how we want to change our self.
It was a metaphor between a carrot, an egg and ground coffee bean...
The three items were boiled in hot water...
After 8 minutes: the carrot turns soft, the egg started to harden and the ground coffee bean turns the boiled water to dark with nice aroma...
The question is....which of these we wanted to be....a carrot from hard turns soft or an egg from so called liquid to hard or ground coffee bean turns the water to a nice coffee aroma that pleasures everybody?

When you say...I Will Make Sure...

How many times do we promise (or maybe it sounds like it) to people that have asked you the same question again and again? Do we just say 'Yes' or 'Ok' or "I'll make sure of that" only because it is the only way to escape from feeling guilty or burdened by it? In reality we are really not sure bout it...about what we have said to them. Are those just escapism or is it just plain excuses?

I was in that situation when my big boss asked me "When will you be gone for your PhD?" (actually I have anticipated this question will be asked by him soon)...and my answer was "Don't worry Prof. I will make sure that I'll be gone this year". His reaction was...'Okay that is your promise'..and my reaction was.."Ermmm i guess...(in my mind and heart I have to be deadly serious of leaving this campus for my PhD!!)". I realised now how serious they are about wanting me to be gone for my PhD and I was so nervous bout that as I was once said to myself that I won't go this far for my education but because of my future career development wants me to do this so I have decided that I am serious about this.....and therefore I have submitted my application to KPT and they are waiting for my offer letter from the respective U.

So what went wrong here?...why am I still here doing the same routine? I should have been gone for my study following my other closest frens' footsteps (actually that was the original plan) but what held me up?

I should not blame the process, I should not blame everyone...so clearly it was my FAULT...it was about me the whole time...BUT wait!!! I shouldn't be blamed totally...there are few things that I did work my a** hard out...I did! but the process has let me down, the 'other' person also didn't give me the assistance that is needed...yea in the end it goes back to us...rite? We shouldn't blame others.....

So what I can say for myself is....I have to be deadly serious this time, taking chances, push away all the distractions, focus only on my goal...PhD!!! Full stop

The Melt Down & Recovery

I considered myself of having a meltdown issue for the past say 2 weeks and that's why i deactivated my FB account as well. But all as come back to normal when i received this text message from Kak Atie (my beloved senior coworker a.k.a mentor) after i told her about the reason why i deactivated my account...it sounds like this...
"Down mmg down tp jgn jdkan sbb utk putus asa, don't give up ye, kita kena sama2 perah otak kerah tenaga utk study. Kena kuatkan semangat."

At that moment I feel that Kak Atie has spoken to me that goes straight to my heart and i feel alive again. I started to re-plan my strategy of continuing my studies and I don't wanna let myself holding me back to do so. Yes! it feels hurt and sad when you are no longer with your closest frens and you feel that you are alone...but thinking that it is just temporary, i just need to move on and set my goal of to continue my study at PhD level (though i've never think or dream bout it), and I WILL make it happen SOON!

You can't always get what you want

If in the past posts i kept mentioning bout being left alone and feeling so down...i guess starting from this post i will regain myself...i don't wanna be negative anymore after being departed by my two best frens for pursuing their PhD...i want to be "that" person again.
After being in my deepest thought and trying to figure out what did i miss for the past week...which was exactly after my "beb" gone for good to Aussie. Is not that i didn't miss my "mate" who is already in the land of kangaroo and kind of already forgotten her all these while...i miss her too..but maybe now when both of my BFFBs' are distance....the feeling is stronger...feeling of loneliness and emptiness....because all these while they are my biggest supporters!
I am feeling so disappointed because i'm still here....doing the same job which i have told myself that i wanna take a break from being a lecturer to a student...and that was what i am so happy about because my BFFBs' are also doing the same thing plus...i also have encouraged kak atie (my beloved mentor, fren, big sister etc.) and my other 2 junior coworkers to continue their studies...and they did it! i am so happy for them even though i'm still stuck in here.....i guess that is what i need to do...to motivate people up even though i'm also struggling to prove myself....
I believe that Allah has something big in stores for me...that's why i am still here.....while my frens are out there pursuing their dreams and destiny with a little help of me....in the end i will still be chasing my dream as well but is just in the matter of time....and i really want it to be it!
At least i bring happiness to people....and i will cherish the love and times given to me until it will finally ends......Allah is All Mighty....

Will all works and no play really works?

After about 3 months of no class and lecture i feel a bit lost...i mean i lost my passion of this career. i wonder why? but maybe i can start with what happened for the past 3 months....
I was so very ready and enthuse of continuing my study to PhD level. All this while i said to myself that i don't wanna go but after went through a session with my boss (dean) i am ready to fulfill his wish. but i am not agreeing on this because of him but after i have make a fine consideration. so i have decided and furthermore my best friends are also encouraged (actually it was like forcing...hehehe) me to do so. within that 3 months i managed to complete all the documents, proposal and all the things that must be done to apply for study leave.
So i have set my goal and focus of becoming a full-time student again at the beginning of a new semester. Thinking that i will no longer be thinking about what to teach to what will i learn.....i had my mind set for it! Unfortunately..........here i am.....still giving lectures, advising and motivating the students....(on a second thought I believe that Allah has a better thing for me! so i will wait). I guess those things has affected me so much plus my best friends are now on their track to complete their Masters & PhD after being granted a study leave by the university and the ministry.
And now I will still having my old routine of... working 24/7.of course i will earn more but if this will keep me forget about all the disappointment ( heart-breaking to be precise)..then there it will go...

If I change my status...

i remember why i wanted so much to have my own blog and i even encouraged my frens to also have their own blog...its because i think i can motivate and inspire people who read this blog...but what if i have lost that sparks of motivating and inspiring people all because of me myself is also having a hard time? i guess it's normal for all people out there even though they are experts...i mean all those renown motivators...they must have their ups and downs....

so i guess by admitting that i am a normal human being....there is nothing wrong that sometimes i miss the moment that i need somebody to talk to and understand my feelings and personal things. i only share my other part (my personal life) with persons that i trust most including my 2 best frens who are now away from me...long distance. for most of the time i will only share my happy story with frens coz i really don't want them to know what i have been through especially when it come to a very exclusive part like my family and my feelings. i think i just wanna be protective for my family and myself of being hurt.

..............lately i feel so so lonely and sad coz i am alone and my 2 best frens are not around and then i don't know who to turn to when i want to share my problem coz they will always be here for me and i am very glad and bless for it....i wanted to be strong but now i know that it is not that easy....
i always appear very happy and strong in front of many people just because i want them to see me as the person who are always taking things positively.....but it doesn't last long coz now i think i am not that person anymore.....there are too many things happen lately and all has causes me of not being "that" person...and will it be temporary or forever before i can get back in my shoes?.....i just don't know...

A day without JLM

Its been a while since the last post I made until today. Life is short and that's very cliche' coz no matter wat we do lately it feel so short and 24hrs is still not enough, that's why I think the mamak stall (I'm not sure but the term now coz it has turned into restaurant size) nearby my workplace choose to have 25hrs...how is that outrageous or is it just too realistic? or dreamy?...t

Well I'm not gonna spoil my ever waited latest post of my blog by giving that mamak stall a.k.a restaurant a free commercial to boost up their bussiness..nay nay nay...(sound a bit Aussie I guess..hehe). I'm going to talk about one of my unluckiest day of my life just today....

I have been with my so called "bf" as what my friend called my car is for about 3 years now after i have "broke-up" with my former 2 bf long before i got to know my newest bf now. I like him soo much because of his "high-maintenance" and performance.

But today for the first time ever he is malfunctioning...it scared me a lot coz I have been doing all the maintenance that he needed just to make sure that he is A ok. What happen today is what i believe as part of the "hikmah" that is been gifted to me from ALLAH...i accepted it with open heart.

To top up my unlikeliest story of today...was walking with my 3 inch heels along heavy traffic flow to the nearest motorcycle workshop to fix my sister's loaned motorcycle punctured tyre...sounds hard rite? how about I say that it was a very hot sunny day?

I believe all these incident might bring you down for other people but not me...I have been into worst situation before but i made it! The saddest part would be being apart with my malfunction bf...its quite...hard..but since my family and frens are around me...I make it through!

lifestyle of the rich and famous

I live like a normal lady of the 21st century. Some said that i live like a rich person that can buy anything that i like with the help of cash and some "magic cards". Do i look like one? Some of my friends said that "akak orang kaya, boleh shopping kat mana2, beli barang2 mahal2, berjenama, mekap pun mahal so muka nampak cantik"..." mana2 you pegi ada jek orang tegur and kenal, tak macam i kawan2 boleh dikira ngan jari jek".....these are some words that i got from my friends and to tell the truth, i never thought that i am living in the world of "rich and famous". I work hard so i deserved myself a self-reward every time i received the "token" of my hardship.

I was born in an average family meaning that there was no "silver spoon" in my mouth. My dad, he is a hardworking man who are responsible to "bring back the bacon" by doing chores in his own farm, that time we don't have electricity and proper water supply in our house. After the government expended the electricity and proper water supply we can live a lot better. When i go to school my friends started to talk about how handsome and cute Michael J. Fox was after watching "Back To The Future!"....and me?...I have no idea of what they were talking and started to be silent and move away from them coz...i don't have tv set in my house...

When the new school season is opened, all my friends will start to show their new uniform, new pencil, new ruler, new eraser, new bag, new pencil case all with branded items and of course it is very expensive for my father to afford it for me...so i came up with my own design of pencil case that i hand-sew it by myself. I remember the time that i can only dream to have a bugs bunny printed character on a pencil case when my friend showed her's because i know that my father will not buy that for me as there are many other urgent matters that the money will goes into. But i never regret or feel bad about it coz i understand, it is not easy for my father to support 10 family members by working as self-employee in his not-so-big kebun.

Now with my parents education and supports, I managed to redeem what i have been dream of and even more. I have good job, better income, and can afford a very nice car, a house, and some other nice stuffs that every women wants....all by my hard work. And making more friends is what i like because i want to share what have been given to me as well as my experience.

So the truth is....i am not living or enjoying the lifestyle of the rich and famous. I know where did i started from and i am honored and proud of who i am and what i am made of.

New Hijrah 1432

Again..It's been a long time that I have not written any posts to my blog. And again...I got a busy lifestyle even though it's a cliche'. Things happen so fast and unexpected..that is why people say that time won't wait...I agree coz sometimes I feel that I have wasted so many times doing things that are not so planned and yes even that I have realised that I have wasted so many times but I keep repeating the same routine. I know that I can accomplished many things if I set my mind straight and aiming for what it has to be done.

Well then think positive and straight...with new dawn of Hijrah I believe I need to set my goal and aiming to what I have to do months or even years ago. It's time to restart and regain the confidence of aiming for the best...well.... I do it not because of others but for myself. Again...some people might say that they work hard for appraisal and reward from their superior but for me I work hard because I want to achieve my goal and standard plus it's my responsibility to accomplish a good standard of work....and the award that i received was because I deserved it.

Should..?

So another week passes by...and now it's the end of September. I have mix feelings of getting to the end of this year 2010...December is approaching and I have like 3 months of everything to work my plan...as sooo many things going on for the past 9 months, I need to make sure that everything has to work as plan (luckily that I didn't make any new year resolution...just a "wish list" so to called). Some of the thing that I have "wished" was completing the application as along as the final preparation for my PhD. Is there any progress of that?....well i have to say that...it's moving not progressing due to many "aral melintang" kind of obstacle plus my own state of readiness...

Speaking of readiness, I was actually having this kind of feeling of contemplating between the urge to pursue my PhD first or "putting the ring" or the other way round...honestly I was not not sure about this...and does this means that I am ready to "commit"?...I am not really sure about what I should go first now...but one thing for sure is I am so excited of getting my own house soon....

TO BE CONTINUED....

the truth is...sometimes i try sometimes i cry

Still in the mood of "raya"....well it's in Johore..we celebrate Eid for a month...lots of frens to be visited...long lost relatives...etc..etc..etc. So what did I enjoy most of the celebration...? Not so much on shopping coz am still in the state of "freezing" myself from the "urge"...but I do went for shopping though BUT I shoppe for my brother and sisters plus my nephew (he losts his father at the age of 5 month..5 years ago)...so giving him the hapiness of "raya" is a joy to me.

And off course when more people come and "raya"...people will ask the "evergreen" question to me....honestly..am not tired and feel sucks..but I feel rather worried and doubt...

One of my former student said this to me.."Miss ni saya tengok rilek jek...bila lg miss? Nanti kalau miss mati tak ada sapa nk doakan"....honestly I did not feel offended by his statement but I was quite stunned and later replied to him that...it's not that I wasn't thinking bout my "second phase" of my life but I believe that the day will come soon and I don't now when...but soon..when the time is finally arrived...and honestly that am still waiting for that moment and day to come...believe me..I've tried and still trying...but it's not easy...

When Secrets Become a Burden...

I believe that most of us do have secrets and keep secrets of others. No matter how big the secret is some people would die to keep it and some others are dying to know the secrets. So what makes one person attached to the promises of keeping the secrets to his/herself? Was it because of the trust? Was it because you are a good "secret keeper"? ...or in more serious cases some people "promise" to keep the secret but later broke the promise for the sake of his/herself?
Let's forget about those who are "expert" in breaking the promises coz nothing worth to discuss about them...but let's step in to the "shoes" of the person who are really trustworthy...the person who can keep the secrets and because we trust them with heart and soul..what was the feeling of being the person of trust and how much secrets can we throw to them by having the 360 degrees of trust that they will keep your secrets?

Walking with their "shoes" is definately going to give us a very different perspective...imagine how much secrets do they know and how strong they are to uphold all secrets from being spurred? Are they strong enough to keep all the secrets including "dirty' secrets? Has this ever came across your mind...that secrets can sometimes be a "burden" to these people? Ever wonder that they also have limitation? Can you feel that sometimes they wanted to be freed from all the "burden"? How long can they stick to the plan of being "partner in crime"?

Do u really like my shoes?

"At the moment I feel that I hate myself. I always wonder why I can't be like u. So enjoyable to be with n so pleasant to talk to and funny n always have something interesting to talk about"

Those are text messages that I received from my buddy who is now studying in Aussie for her PhD. The fact that she is a very strong and independent woman but yet she said that she can't fit in and wonder if she could be like me....

The truth is sometimes I feel like trying to be in her "shoes" as well..but come to think of her "feelings" I should consider myself as lucky coz people likes me and the truth is this is not the first time that people said that they are happy to be with me. So I told my friend that in order to fit in... sometimes we need to be like what they want...I mean show your "happy mask" and hide your "sorrow" and for most of the time try to smile coz people don't really care why u are unhappy except somebody or friends who really care for you...

promises and lies

To some people making promises are easy as well as breaking it...but what do they thinking when making all these promises?..do they know that when promises are made it meant to be kept or bounded with it?

Well i don't know about other people but I have made a promise to somebody about how I wanna change my life from being not nobody to somebody...Allah knows how I wanna break that promise but concerning the trust that has been built and I don't wanna be a bad person...I try my very hard to fight myself to keep my promise at its place.

Spells meant to be broken but promises meant to be bounded...

Inspiring to inspire

Another days gone by and I started to realise that my blog need to be updated with more nice, motivating and inspiring quote. Well...anyone will start to blame the time and 24 7 is still not enough for many...guess if we are been given the whole world is still not enough to feed the greedy soul....
Talking about inspire...well not many people can do that because it takes so many things to inspire and being inspired...so? does it hard to inspire people?...hmm..actually not coz people live are because of reasons...reasons that makes them different and inspire different group of people.